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| Tailgaters Unite! 2000 Season Opens! A New Season… And A New Stadium… As the new season opened for 'da Bears, new changes were also implemented for 'da Scoiety. Twenty-four members welcomed 'da Bears back to the playing field at our new Stadium, The St. Joe Young Men's Society Clubrooms, located at 2001 Franklin St. here in beautiful Michigan City, Indiana. While some things change, some remain the same, and 'da Treasurer was once again back in his element collecting 'da bucks and punching 'da cards. He was overheard commenting "This is the best opening day ever for 'da Scoiety", financially speaking, of course. Once the members started arriving, 'da picnic table started filling. 'Da Lil Shit brought a Mexican appetizer assortment, What-About-Mary offered beef roll-ups, 'Da Stockman grilled 'da Brats, Fat-Boy snagged some gas-station chicken, 'Da Web mistress was weak with store bought tortellini salad and brownies, 'Da Commish supplied the ever favorite swamp potatoes and what would tailgate be without our trusty Spam and Spam-Lite, recycled from years past. Did anyone ever figure out what the shelf life is on Spam? It was decided to leave voting for Chef of 'da Week until the halftime festivities. 'Da Commish started 'da board, and everyone coughed up 'da dough with $25 for 'da half, and $50 for final score. As it was getting to be game time, we headed for 'da stadium. 'Da big screen was just the place for 'da Scoiety to set up camp. 'Da Sceurity presided over 'da table like it was the Last Supper, with his disciples flanking on either side. 'Da Chaplain was asked to say a prayer for our Bears, however he only blessed himself after a bought of sneezing. With 'Da Godfadder keeping a |
watchful eye on everyone from 'da high tops, 'da Scoiety settled down to watch 'da game. 'Da game proved to be a war of quarterbacks. The much-awaited battle between Cade McNown and Daunte Culpepper exceeded everyone's expectations. The promising second-year quarterbacks, who were drafted with back-to-back picks, combined to generate six touchdowns and 640 yards of offense with their arms and legs. 'Da Commish was lucky enough to win $50 on 'da St. Joey board, and 'Da Kodachrome took away 'da Scoiety's first half cash. During halftime, it was voted that What-about-Mary would be honored with Chef of 'da Week. A cash raffle netted 'da Treas some extra jingle for 'da register, while 'Da Stockman pocketed $10.00. Because of the lack of 'da living room, 'da members headed back to 'da stadium. Once we were settled back in, "Da Enforcer who was doubling as 'da Bartender forced shots upon our members, courtesy of St. Joey! The shots were shot, and 'da Bears were playing! 'Da Lil Tooter was keeping busy with 'da horn, while T.V. Mom cheered him on. Thank God we now have a more capable horn-blower! 'Da Treas decided he needed a new assistant, and Claudia was voted in as the new TIT, while Fat Man sat by sucking down 'da soda's. Claude was seen sucking on a stogie in celebration of her new position. We should note here that Tuma was on his very best behavior, go figure! |
| 'Da crowd in 'da Stadium was curious as to the
nature of 'da Scoiety, and 'da club signed up some
new members. 'Da Bears almost looked like they
could win this one, much to the amazement of
Tommy "Cheesehead" who was rooting for the Viqueens. Unfortunately they were too much for
our Bears, and the final score was 'da Bears 27, Viqueens 30. Tuma was rewarded for his good behavior by winning 'da final board, and 'da
gamblers were happy 'cause at least our Bears
covered 'da spread! New Officers Elected in Pre-Season New officers were elected prior to the opening game. Officers are as follows: 'Da Commish: Joe Noe 'Da Scerity: Joe Brach 'Da Scerity Enforcer: Mark Yagelski 'Da Webmistress: Brenda Selbach 'Da Treasurer: Mitch McGah (Who else?) TIT: Claudia Stachowiak Late Breaking News We received a report from our undercover-covert operatives, 006 and 007 with news of our estranged stadium. They indicated that attendance was poor. They were observed during the 3rd quarter receiving an update from an unnamed source. No further information is available at this time. Special Wishes 'Da Scoiety as a whole would like to wish the best for member Barb "Da Moms" Steinbeck and for Lauren Dingman, brother of Lyle "Da Gretchen Dad" during their stays at the hospital. We hope that you heal quickly and come home to us soon. Good Luck from us all! Upcoming Events St. Joey is going to provide Brats for 'da Scoiety For 'da September 17th game. We are asking Members to please bring appropriate side dishes. Also, Hobo Stew will be prepared by 'Da Stockman For 'da October 8th game. Please bring a can of |
Veggies to add to the kettle. For those of you who have never had Hobo Stew, you're in for a real treat! Football Funnies Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!" "No!" she cried. "It's too far!" "I play football, I can catch him!" The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat good-bye, and tossed it down to the street. Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came lunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one-handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth... ...then spiked the cat into the pavement. Next Week's Game:AT TAMPA BAY The Chicago Bears continue their season-opening road trip this weekend as they face the defending NFC Central champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers in their home opener. Kickoff for the Bears' second game is scheduled for Noon Chicago time in Raymond James Stadium. Tampa Bay is the second of four NFC Central opponents to face Chicago over the first five games of the season. The Bears opened the season with a 30-27 defeat at Minnesota while the Buccaneers earned a road victory at New England, 21-16. Noon game, 10:00 Tailgate…See you next week! |
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| Week Two, and they were weak, too! Cloudy skies threatened 'da Scoiety's second tailgate meeting of the 2000 season. But while the clouds were gray, the spirits of 'da Scoiety were high, anticipating 'da game. 'Da Commish made a late entrance due to an Artie-Fartie emergency. 'Da poor little dude almost lost his package, and 'Da Commish had to make an ambulance run to save 'da jewels. Once Artie was safely at 'da docs, 'Da Commish was back to his normal horn-blowing self. Also on 'da canine front, Sue and Gretchen made a short appearance in 'da lot, complete with matching U.S. Postal rain poncho's for protection. Unfortunately most other members were lacking in rain-gear, and 'da living room was a popular spot during 'da showers. 'Da Treas was prepared however, and we'll never be able to look at a cow again without remembering his umbrella. As some members of 'Da Scoiety are also members of the FIIK Trading Club, an abbreviated meeting was held at the beginning of 'da Tailgate. "Sell, Mortimer, Sell" was overheard from 'da cluster of people. On 'da munchies front, 'da competition was intense. Mary vied for a two-week run for Chef o 'da week with her Deviled Eggs, and 'Lil Shit countered with a yummy hamburger pie. 'Da Webmistress and 'da MVPP were roasting ears on 'da grill, while Frosty |
provided 'da Feisty Rum Runners, which were quite literally hair raising! Fat Boy brought his traditional gas-station chicken, and 'da Spam and Spam Lite were still sitting around A one-dollar raffle was held before 'da game started, and "Deacon Chuckie" chose 'da Bears Coffee/Beer Mug. 'Da Board was passed and squares chosen…AND THE RAIN CAME DOWN!! As it was almost game time, 'da members stormed 'da stadium. 'Da Slaughter Begins.. What can we say… it was UGLY! The Bears' defense played well early, limiting the Buccaneers to 95 total yards in the first half. The Tampons' Martin Gramatica kicked field goals of 23 and 47 yards to cap drives of just 25 and 29 yards, respectively. "It was obvious the game got away from us in the last three minutes of the first half," says Bears coach Dick Jauron. No kidding! 'Da Scoiety didn't let the lousy playing by 'Da Bears bring down their spirits, and by half time our attendance was at thirty-two members. As 'da crowd started back into 'da lot for half time festivities, 'da news hit 'da stadium that the rain was back with a vengeance! Our executive committee decided that an indoor half-time was in order, so voting for Chef o 'da Week commenced. It was a tight race, with Lil Shit's Hamburger Pie netting 'da coveted award. |
| 'Da Slaughter Continues… The second half did not see any improvement for our Bears. In the third quarter, King threw TD passes of 13 yards to Keyshawn Johnson and 58 yards to Jacquez Green as the margin ballooned to 34-0. Joliet native Mike Alstott bounced off five tacklers on a 20-yard TD run that mercifully ended the scoring with 10:16 remaining in the game. "They game-planned us real well," McNown says. "They were at the right spot at the right time on a lot of plays. It is tough to face a team like that if you are unsure at all. They are 100 percent sure of what they are doing. It's a feast or famine defense and they ate a lot today." Needless to say, the Tampons won 'da game. 'Da Bears suffered their worst defeat since a 41-0 rout at San Francisco on Dec. 14, 1987. The shutout was Chicago's first since the 1989 season finale, snapping the second longest streak in the NFL. The Bears have now lost six straight to the Tampons. "Tampa Bay is a very good football team," says Bears center Olin Kreutz. "But if we want to be where we need to be, we can't lose like that. We were never in this game. That was embarrassing." 'Enuff said. 'Da Scoiety board winners included 'Da Stockman who took away the first half cash, 'Da Commish won 'da 1st Q. and first half on 'da St. Joey board, and promptly announced an Artie-Fartie recovery fund (contributions are being accepted), and there was a winner for 'da final score, and we think it was 'Decon Chuckie, but 'da reporting team was experiencing a 404 Error, data not found. Our apologies if this information is not correct. |
'Da Laminator Commeth Attention members! 'Da Laminator commeth to 'da Scoiety. Anybody wishing to have their official membership card laminated, please contact 'Da Laminator (a.k.a. Unca Darrell). For a two-dollar donation to 'da Scoiety, you too can have a waterproof, washer-proof (are you paying attention 006 and 007?) cards. Thanks to B&E Marine for donating this service. Need a new or used boat? Darrell is your man! Great deals are still available! (It's okay Darrell, we'll discuss ad rates later) Breaking News Our Sceurity Staff has informed this reporter that we have our first official investigation of the new season, however might be considered a misappropriation of Scoiety personnel. 'Da Commish has approached 'Da Sceurity about a "hit" concerning a certain spotted mongrel, and has requested an armed escort for Artie-Fartie. 'Da head of Sceurity is looking into the matter, but is concerned that adequate staff is not available. The investigation continues. Sightings Lil Shit reported that during a recent business seminar, the motivational speaker was none other than 'Da Bears ex-center Mike Singletary! Can we get a job there? 'Deacon Chuckie is planning his own seminar on 'da dangers of Slam Dancing, with physical proof! Next Sunday!3:00 game, 1:00 Tailgate, Home Opener, New York Giants….Be There! |
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| Bears Home Opener! 'Da members were strong, 'Da Bears weak! This week's Tailgate boasted quite a few new members! 'Da members recruiting drive has been going well, passing 'da word about our little Scoiety Tailgates, and 'da proof was in 'da number of new members signed on this week. We would like to say at this time that Everyone is welcome to join us, so if you're reading this and haven't attended, please feel free to drop by 2 hours before every Bears game and join the fun! This week some members formed a private "Fraterority", Sigma Banna You. Certain guidelines are a must for membership, and if you qualify, you know! Three members were present, and were seen sharing war-stories amongst themselves. As twenty-nine members were present for 'da Tailgate, 'da Treas saw a register-filling opportunity and held an early raffle. 'Da tickies were sold, but alas no winner was found! 'Da Fat Boy was seen desperately searching his person for what must be 'da winning number, but was unable to come up with 'da proof. This week, our benefactors were kind enough to supply 'da gang with Brats for grilling! As 'da kitchen was absent, 'Da Keeper-of-'da-Fire was sent on a grill-finding mission on his new ride, with 'Da Commish riding shotgun and hanging on for dear life. Before long 'da smell of grilling brats filled 'da lot, and 'da food started filling 'da tables. There was cheese and sausage by Lil Shit, Pasta Salad by What-about Mary, Assorted Chips and Pretzels offered by |
'Da RedHead, 'Da Stockman brought a yummy homemade chip dip, 'Da TiT supplied a Green Bean Veggie Salad, Kodachrome vied for Chef of 'da Week with her Cajun Sausage, 'Da Fat Boy passed out Mint MeltaWays and FIIK Trading Company donated a can of Smoked Spam to add to our collection. If anyone went hungry this week it was their own fault! Game time was drawing near, and 'Da Laminator arrived with 'da Machine, so we filed into 'da Stadium to cheer on our Bears. 'Da Stadium Once inside 'da Laminator set up shop, and for a two-dollar donation weather-proofed 'da membership cards. Thanks to B&E Marine for donating 'Da Laminating, and to Unca Darrell for his efforts. The tables were set and 'da Scoiety settled in to watch 'da game. This reporter left for a short time to cover 'da Hospital, and 'da Commish recruited 'Da Panda Gal and HotPockets to cover 'da Action. Unfortunatly 'da Bears couldn't stop The Giants running game, and if the season opener was a watershed game for 'Da Bears, they had better learn to swim! "We can't panic," said wide receiver Macey Brooks. "If we panic we'll end up 0-16. We still have to play our game--find our game, and then play it." Well let's get on with it guys! At the end of the first quarter The Giants were leading by 7. 'Da Fraterority snagged one table, and by half-time another brother was admitted into 'da club, 'Da Painter! |
| Half-Time in 'da lot! 'Da Scoiety headed back into 'da lot for official half-time business. 'Da Fat Boy finally produced 'da winning number from 'da earlier raffle, but was kind enough to donate back his prize, so another raffle was held, and 'da Lil Tooter in Training Elizabeth won 'da Bears Pen Set. 'Da Laminator won 'da boards half-time cash, but was too busy doing 'da laminating to do much celebrating. Chef of 'da Week has a heated battle, members were divided between Kodachrome's Cajun Sausage and loyalty to St. Joe for providing 'da Brats. 'Da Godfadder, learning of the undecision, stormed 'da lot, had 'Da Commish bound and gagged, and declared a winner! Sorry Kodachrome, when 'da Godfadder speaks, we listen! Much thanks again to St. Joe, and to 'da Godfadder….Leave the gun, take the canolles! 'Da Second Half The Bears dodged more bullets in this game than Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western. The Giants botched three field goal attempts that could have provided some breathing room. Brad Daluiso hooked a 34-yarder wide left early in the second quarter. On New York's next possession, holder Brad Maynard dropped the ball and Daluiso lined a 41-yarder about two feet off the ground into the mass of bodies at the line of scrimmage. Mike Wells was credited with the block. Late in the game, Daluiso's 31-yard attempt was blocked by Bears rookie Mike Brown. The bright spot for the Bears was the play of their top two draft picks. Brian Urlacher, making his first NFL start at middle linebacker, was all over the field in registering a game-high 13 tackles |
including one of his team's two sacks. Brown, meanwhile, recovered a fumble deep in Bears' territory in addition to blocking the field goal attempt. What went wrong in this game? "Not enough production on the offensive side of the ball," lamented Bears coach Dick Jauron. "We need more than seven points up on the board." No shit! At least 'Da Keeper-of-'Da Fire was happy with 'Da final score, Bears 7 Giants 14, as he won 'da final cash. He and 'da Laminator combined funds and provides "just-one-more" to the disheartened fans 'Da Mom's Update Members during half-time voted to send flowers to 'Da Moms, currently watchng 'da games from St. Anthony's Hospital. Before 'da flowers could be sent however, 'Da Mom's was moved to ICU, no flowers allowed. Until a time that she improves, 'da society will just have to send her best wishes and prayers. 'Da latest is that she is improving, and may be back into a regular room by the first of 'da week. You go girl! Our love to you! Bear With 'Em….. Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado? Soldier Field, there's never a touchdown there! How do you keep a Chicago Bear out of your yard? Put up goal posts! Next Weeks Match-Up The Chicago Bears return to division play and continue their two-game homestand this weekend as they face the Detroit Lions. Kickoff for the game is noon, 10:00 tailgate! See Ya There! |
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| Weak Four, and a few more… 'Da skies were sunny, but the turnout for 'da pre-game was pretty weak. 'Da Commish and 'Da Chief of Sceurity were approached by 'da complaining neighbor about moving 'da location of 'da tables due to a yipping canine Lions fan, but Cheesehead Tommy was on 'da scene and advised 'da Chief against any action. Once 'da dog found out we weren't going anywhere, he suffered our little festivities in silence, with 'da complaining neighbor resorting to peeking in on us occasionally from 'da back door. By the time our faithful Treas showed up, sans table, 'Da Enforcer had constructed us a buffet line out of barrels and boards, secured 'da area with red caution tape, and 'da Scoiety felt safer in 'da pylon-marked Bears-Zone. 'Da Cheesehead made another drive-by to insure our safety, nabbed a newsletter for bathroom- reading material, and informed us that next week 'da Packers might have their own contingent in 'da lot. Might make for an interesting tailgate! 'Da Chef of 'da Week contest was pretty weak, With Fat Boy providing 'da ever popular gas- Station chicken, Lil Shit grabbing Chocolate Covered almonds and tin-cookies off 'da shelf, And 'Da Webmistress supplying pretzels and mustard dip. Our SPAM collection is growing with 'Da TIT's donation of "Kaszanka Baltonowska", or the polish version of SPAM. After reading the ingredients, members voted NOT to open the can, but instead add it to the collection. As game time neared, more of 'da Scoiety showed up, and a pre-game raffle was held, with 'da Chief winning two new Bears pins for his cap. With that, we filed into 'da Stadium to watch 'DA BEARS! |
'Da Bears v/s The Pussycats Once inside, 'da Scoiety settled in to watch 'da Big Screen, with 'da Cheerleader bears flanking 'da screen. Unfortunately, 'Da Bears finally found their running game Sunday against the Pussycats, but all that did was transfer the wrath of the Soldier Field faithful from Curtis Enis to Cade McNown. Even The Pope had a "dim" view on 'da playing, and had no "illumination" to give 'Da Bears. We sought advise from 'da three wise men at 'da bar, but not even a smile would crack their demeanor. Half-time was a well needed break, not only for 'da players, but also for 'da fans. Gas-Station chicken finally won 'Da Chef of 'Da Week, but we informed Fat-Boy that next week's competition would not be so easy. As our attendance numbers had grown during 'da first half, we decided to hold another raffle to rid ourselves of 'da final prize in 'da pot. Gunther "'da Maui Mon" also claimed a Bears pin, which he promptly added to his traditional Bavarian hat! Tessa and Lisa protected 'da Maui Mon from 'da Commish, who dearly wanted 'da prize, even resorting to bribery to try and claim it. Luckily 'da girls were able to thwart 'da Commish's attempts and Maui Mon kept possession of 'da pin. 'Da Second Half, second verse, same as 'da first… Speaking of possession, 'Da Bears' offense committed five turnovers -- Allen and receiver Marty Booker also lost fumbles -- but the Chicago defense allowed no points off the miscues. |
| Midway through the second quarter, the Bears turned the ball over on two consecutive plays. The defense played well with the exception of a dominant 17-play, 91-yard drive spanning the third and fourth quarters that resulted in The Pussycat's game-winning touchdown. While backup quarterback Jim Miller stood on the sidelines with his helmet on and a ball in his hands the entire game, he remained a spectator to the bitter end. "I feel like I've had four road games," said McNown, who was escorted off the field by a security guard. At least 'Da Scoiety wasn't weak in 'da second half, with more members, old and new, piling into 'da Stadium. 'Da Laminator didn't show his face until it was too late, 'Da Bears blew it again. The Bears have started a season 0-4 for just the fifth time in their history, though it's also the third time in four years. When they start 0-4 they've averaged just three wins for the entire season. Frosty was our winner on 'da first half cash, and although 'da final cash was a nail-biter, TiT was cool through it and netted 'da prize. By the end of 'da game, the official count for Scoiety attendance was 24 members present and accounted for. 'Da News…Our congratulations to Decon Chuckie who is on step three of a twelve step program….Good Luck and God Bless! We want to say welcome back to 'Da Slackers Todd and Meridith, glad you found us again! Don't forget our Hobo-Stew tailgate is coming up on October 8th! Bring a can of veggies to add to the pot! |
Next Week….Cheese on 'da Menu! 'Da Chicago Bears conclude their opening stretch against NFC Central foes next weekend as they head north to face the Green Bay Packers. Kickoff for the game is scheduled for 3:15 PM Chicago time at Lambeau Field, with Tailgate starting at 1:15 p.m. Let's show dem Cheeseheads how real die-hard Bears fans tailgate! Football Trivia A. Who was the first player to rush for 100 yards in 14 consecutive games? B. In what year were offensive linemen no longer eligible to catch a forward pass? C. What team has won the most postseason games? D. Who was the first non-QB to be MVP in the Super Bowl? E. Who was the first coach to win division titles in both the NFL and AFL?  A.Barry Sanders B.1951 C.Cowboys D.Chuck Howley E.Sid Gilliman See You next week! Go BEARS! |